On waiting for life to begin....and Inertia

So many times have I decided......today is the day I start my life afresh.Become who I truly am.Do all the things I have been meaning to do,the way I have been meaning to do them.But then ......before long I am back to square 1. Square 1 for me is........I am this inertial,lethargic creature that kills time.........I literally murder it........joylessly......and then end up unhappy because I could have done much better....I could have made something of it and myself. I begin by surfing the net,or reading a novel.....and keep on doing it..........eventually it stops being a pleasure and turns into painful nauseating boredom......and yet I keep at it.....on and on.......you can call it inertia. At some point.....usually after I have been doing what I described above for a long time.........I get a headache.....or my eyes pain.......I stop then.And do something which will make me happy. So you see I do have my spells of good cheer :-) ........but they are punctuated by periods when I am so down that I wouldn't lift a finger if I could help it. So,today morning.......like so many mornings before now........I thought I shall turn over a new leaf......exorcise my demons and start my new life........as I had always planned..... And then it came to me..........it was never going to happen.......... I already am living my real life.......the struggle may ease up with time........but it will never end........never be over.......at least not while I am still breathing.This is it.....warts and all........ And its not that bad.......I can live with it:-)